146k views
1 vote
My poem please rate

I got two left feet.
Yet i dance .
I dance alone in the dark.
Each step with rhythm with
The gentle patter of rain
In my head.
But missed steps i make when
The gentle rain turns
Into a storm in my head.
I sway as the grass sway;
Back and forth
With the breeze
In my head.
But swept away are my feet
When the breeze turns
Into a gale in my head.
Still i dance.
I can't dance in the light.
So i dance in the dark ,
For i got two feet left.

2 Answers

7 votes

→Punctuation

⇒ First of all I would say consider the punctuation. For e.g The independent I in between should be in capital letters.

→Repetition of words and/or using a single meaningful words

⇒ dry your poem as much as possible, it most likely entertains the readers or the audience if you are rendering it.

For e.g Each step with rhythm with

The gentle patter of rain

Each step rhyming with the gentle patter of rain...

e.g I sway as the grass sway

⇒I sway as so with the grass

e.g When the breeze turns

Into a gale in my head.

⇒As the breeze turns

Into a gale in my head.

e.g I can't dance in the light.

So I dance in the dark ,

⇒ I dance in the dark

for the light approves not of who I am.

Note that is how I was going to put it to convey the feeling to the audience without a doubt.

Other than that your poem is so nice, I approve of it out of 10 I will give it 6/10 ...but if you adjust and edit the mistakes I will give it a 10/10

Improve in using words ,be in the moment and play with words such that even the audience can feel what you are saying or the motive you had of writing the poem before you ever are to explain to them.

GOODLUCK!!!

User Phu
by
5.2k points
5 votes
Very very good poem me like
User Translunar
by
5.7k points