Question

Hi, can someone help me revise with the following PIE paragraphs I need help with grammar puntuatuion. I would like if you can help me add or take some setences if does not make sense thank you!!

Problem, Cause, and Solution PIE Paragraphs

One of the systemic education problems is that the financial aid system doesn’t offer financial help to students. For example, When students doesn’t recive financial help they are just worry about how they going to pay for their tuition. When they don’t have money to pay for they tuition they might thinking in not continue with school. In the memoir Educated, Tara Westover had this problem when she first started school at Brigham Young University. Westover (2018) wrote, “My bank account decreased steadily, I had been worried that I might not pass my classes, but a month into the semester, after I’d paid tuition and rent and bought food and books, I began to think that even if I pass I wouldn’t be coming back to school for one obvious reason: I couldn’t afford it” (p. 239). Westover said that she might not continue with school because she doesn’t have enough money to pay her rent and her tuition. If financial aid provides her help, she might not be thinking in leave the shcool. This concludes that the financial help system is a big problem with students’ education.
The first cause of this problem comes from student parent income. Financial aid offer financial help to students based on they parent income. The financial aid system assumes that a if a student parent income is high enough they will be able to cover their son or doughter tuition. For example, I have a friend who was studying at Skagit valley college she couldn’t qualified for financial aid because her parent’s income was too high. Financial aid thought that her parent would help her because their income was high enough. What financial did not know is that her parent wouldn’t help her pay for college tuition. This leads her to stop with her education and looks for work so she can save money to pay for college.
The second, cause is that they are hard on the requirement. Financial aid require students to be a full time student in order to qualify for financial aid. When financial aid require student to take 3 classes, they can not learn all the material that they are studying When student take more than three classes, they can not learn what they are studying because is too much for their brain. For example in “ A Glossary of Common Lerning Terms.” John Webster’s ( 2020) wrote, “Our brains work easily with a few concepts or numbers at once, but when we work with more than three to five entities the “load” begins to get heavy.” This what happened to student when the financial aid require them to take three classes. When student take three classes it is difficul for them to learn all the three subject they are studying. Their brain can’t process well all the information they are learning. This leads to a bad GPA at the end of the quarter because they did not perform well on the assignment because it was too much information for their brain.
First solution is that financial aid should not offer financial aid help base on students parent income. Not all parent help their son or daughter to pay for college. For example as I mention before my friend parent didn’t help her to pay for her college tuition. Even her parent income was high they didn’t help her to pay for her college tuition. This is what many student face todays their parent income does not have nothing to do with them. For this reason financial aid should not focus on student parent income in order to offer them financial aid. Financial aid system should help students independently not base on their parent income.



A solution to financial aid system problem is to change the hard requirement that they have on students. For example the financial aid should provide financial aid for part time students and not just for full time students. If financial aid don’t change their requirement, students are more likely are more to not continue with their education. For example, one of my other frind coldn’t qualified for financial aid because she was a part time students. Since she couldn’t qualified for financial aid she stop attending college. The last time I talk with her she told me that she might not come back to college because she work and she can not be a full time student. For For this reason, financial aid needs to change the hard requirement and be able to help all students no matter if they are part time or full time students by doing this financial aid will help students to achieve their goals.
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Answer 1

Here is my revision:

"One of the systemic education problems is that the financial aid system doesn't offer any financial help to students. For example, when students don't receive financial benefits of any sort, they fret over potentially not being able to afford their tuition costs. When they don't have the proper funds to pay for their tuition, they may consider dropping out of school. In a memoir titled "Educated" (written by Tara Westover), the author experienced first-hand what it was like to rapidly lose money. Westover stated, "My bank account decreased steadily; I had been worried that I might not pass my classes.... But a month into the semester - after I'd paid for tuition, rent, food, and books, I began to think that I wouldn't be coming back to school, even if I passed. This was for one obvious reason: I couldn't afford it." (p. 249). Westover said that she might not continue with school because she did not have the funds for tuition and rent. If she were given financial aid of some sort, she most likely would not have considered dropping out. This - without a doubt - proves that the education system is incredibly flawed. For this reason alone, education is not - in fact - available to everyone.

One reason that this ever-growing problem still exists is due to student/parent income. Financial aid is offered to students based off of student/parent income. The aid system assumes - for some unthinkable reason - that if a student/parent income is high enough, the student's tuition will be easily accounted for. For example; an acquaintance of mine who was - at one point - studying at Valley College couldn't qualify for financial aid because her family's income was deemed "too high." However, the parents of my aforementioned friend refused to pay for her tuition costs, thereby causing her to drop out of college due to her next-to-nonexistent school funds.

Another thing that is worth pointing out is the fact that the financial aid requirements are incredibly far fetched; almost absurd in some aspects. Only full-time students are able to qualify.

In "A Glossary of Common Learning Terms" (written by John Webster), it is stated, "Our brains work easily with a few concepts or numbers at once, but when we work with more than three to five entities, the 'load' begins to get heavy." This shows that it is incredibly difficult for a student to learn full time. Overloading the brains of college students can cause less-than-satisfactory GPA scores to arise.

The first solution that should be suggested is to outlaw the "parent/student income" part of the financial aid equation. It should no longer be assumed that parents with well paying occupations will always want to pay for the college tuitions of their children. Financial aid should focus on the students, and the students alone.

Another solution is to alter the requirements. Providing a certain level of help to part-time students should be a n accessible and viable option. Otherwise, students are more likely to drop out of college.

Another acquaintance of mine was unable to apply for financial aid due to the fact that she was only a part-time student. She - as demonstrated by my friend that I mentioned earlier on - also discontinued her education. Currently, she is working a mentally-draining job, and college no longer seems like a possibility for her, considering she can only get financial aid if she commits to studying full time.