Question

CAN SOMEONE PROOF READ THIS NARRATIVE ESSAY I WROTE PLEASE!!!!!!

Me and Mr.jacks have just arrived in this huge town. It was busy and a lot of buildings and people.We were tired and wanted to find somewhere to rest.Escaping the force field and getting to this city was tiring. We were hungry but we didn't have anything to eat.We sat down on a bench to rest a little.
Mr.jacks said in a really tired voice, “We need food to keep going”
I said “i know but we don't have money and we didn't bring food”
They got up and walked around to find shelter but didn't find anything and it was turning dark fast.

They haven slept in days and they were losing hope everyday.
“Hey look is that an abandoned building over there?” I said with excitement in my voice.
“Ya it is Kate thank you so much” Mr.Jacks said with tiredness and a little happiness in his voice.”
They walked faster towards the building. Me and Mr.Jacks arrived and the door was stuck and Mr.Jacks and Kate got it open and then went inside and sat down on the floor.Then I saw in the corner of the room had food.
“Mr.Jacks! There is food in the corner” I said excited.
I heard something like humans walking towards them. All of a sudden 3 people walk in and they see Mr.Jack and me.
The man said in a deep raspy voice “wh0 are you and why are you in my home eating our food!”
“We are sorry we didn't kn0w it's yours we thought it was abandoned and we could stay” Mr.Jacks said saying scaredly
They surrounded the two madly. I was shaking scared when a huge male about 6’5 feet tall and scary grabbed me and took me into a different room and beat me, making me bleed alot and I was unconscious and laying on the floor. Mr.Jacks was beat to and the people picked both of them up and took them far away and dropped them off.

Answer 1

It looks good, but I would add punctuation, for example,a comma after dialogue if there is more narrative after. Punctuation seems to be your weakness... maybe try spacing it out and taking the time to add commas, periods, semi colons, where you feel is necessary. Otherwise, in total, it looks really good. Your story line matches up the entire time, which is key, and the characters are relatable and interesting. Great Job!