Question

Can someone analyse my speech for English and give me Feedback?

Is the Death Penalty a Moral Way of Dealing with Crime within Society?

Death causes crime, it’s a catastrophe, it’s immoral. Do you believe in the old saying “an eye for an eye”? Or do you believe instead that “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”? I am here today to convince you that the death penalty is utterly immoral should be abolished forever. Unbelievably, the majority of states in the USA still use this barbaric practice. The death penalty is murder, plain and simple - two wrongs don’t make a right. There is no point in murdering people who have committed murder because then no one has been taught a lesson. Unless we reverse this despicable policy the chances of an innocent person being killed only increases. Is a society where its own citizens are murdered by the government a society in which you would want to live? I know I don’t.

Did you know that many people are killed innocently? One case of this is Colin Campbell, he was executed in 1922 for supposedly killing 12-year-old, Alma Tirtschke. However, 86 years after this horrific case, Ross was pardoned in 2008, he was found innocent by modern technology. Do you believe that innocent, INNOCENT people get killed? Alma was ONLY 12, she had a life ahead of her. Alma was raped, strangled and left on the street NAKED. What kind of irresponsible person would do that? If they had the guts to do that, it's quite unusual, that they didn’t have the guts to go to the police. Ross was the owner of a close wine saloon. Just because his wine saloon was close the Gun Alley Murder, it don’t mean that he killed Alma. Another case is Harry Gleeson, who allegedly killed Mary McCarthy in 1940. He was pardoned in 2015. There are many more theoretical cases of wrongful executions all over the world. They include; Jesse Joseph Tafero, Derek Bentley, Chipita Rodriguez and more. Do you believe that since 1973, more than 165 people have been wrongly convicted of murders?

In addition, Killing those that have killed basically is contradictory. By executing you are equally committing the same crime as them and this shows it is wrong. If you were in the same place as the Executioner would you be feeling this way? Would you want that innocent foe killed? Killing in basic terms means the act of deliberately causing death. If you are committing the same crime it shows a sense of Hypocrisy meaning that you're doing the same act as the supposed criminal. 6 years ago, there was a shooting near my street. The victim did not have life-threatening injuries. But I feel fear and agitation.

Have you ever thought that it would be an Easy way out of crime? Have they had enough time to be punished? If they are let out of their crime in this despicable way, it would cause injustice to the victim and their family. Don’t you think that they should be given life with no chance of getting let out if guilty? Would you believe this? If people are getting killed without evidence of it being true why are lawyers here they should be helping the alleged criminal be brought to justice. Why? Why does this happen? Instead of the Death Penalty you could use Life-Imprisonment. Burton Phillips was given Life-Imprisonment for one bank robbery at Chandler Bank of Lyons in Kansas, and two kidnapping. He robbed $2,090 which in 2019 is equivalent to $38,663.

Finally, Religious Beliefs, If not all then many religions conform to stop murder and killings. Christianity say that ‘thou shalt not kill’ meaning that ‘they should not kill’. Hinduism and Islam conform to this as well. It has increased over the years When I was young, there was not an overflow of crime. But throughout the years crime has increased massively. This could also link to Utilitarianism founded by Jeremy Bentham which determines from right and wrong.

To conclude, by killing a murderer, no lives are being saved, no lives will be returned, and no one is learning a lesson from the execution. It is only revenge, cold, hard revenge which has zero benefit to society. The death penalty is expensive, it is not a deterrent to crime, and it actively encourages violence. Write to the Parliament, start a petition, or call upon your local government representative – we must pressure those in power if we want to send capital punishment to the dustbin of history. We must stand together and put an end to this archaic, barbarous practice!”​

Answer 1

Do not use the phrase I am here today to convince you in your thesis. Say the death penalty is utterly immoral and should be abolished forever because...

I like your hook with the two questions. Your use of vivid language is great. Death causes crime, it’s a catastrophe, it’s immoral-- I think this should be deleted. In addition, try using more transition words. Lastly, you use a lot of questions may limit the amount of questions used. Good call to action at the end too. May consider a circular endeding too.

Try using the Hook Context Thesis method.

I would reword it like this.

Do you believe in the old saying “an eye for an eye”? Or do you believe instead that “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind”? A majority of 60% of states in the United States agree with using “an eye for an eye” or otherwise known as the death penalty. However, the death penalty is utterly immoral and should be abolished forever because...(your reasons simplified) (Transition word) The death penalty is murder, plain continue with your speech.

Sorry for my lack of time I can just read the first paragraph. Good luck! And don't take me too seriously i'm only in 7th grade you probably have more developed/advanced writing than me.