Question

20 pointss!!!!! what else can i add to this story or replace

It was just like any other morning. It was hot and the sun was gleaming. I was at a water park with my friends. Fast forward 2 hours and we are getting ready to swim in the pool. It was our first time swimming. Splash. I slipped by accident, and before I knew it I was in the deep end, 6 feet. I couldn't get up. All I could see was leaves. I was in there for a good 4 minutes struggling to save my life. No one could swim towards me. My life flashed before my eyes. Seeing my sister all alone knotted my stomach. Seeing my mother and father mourn terrified me. I thought of how I would survive until I gave up. I became unconcious.

Answer 1

That's very depressing, but it's really good. I'd add to the end, " I became unconcious but suddenly I woke up to the sight of my sister splashing water in my face. I was so mad at her and let my anger out on her. She quickly saddened so I apologized for my impulsive reaction. Now I think, "At least it wasn't real"

If I had to add something that would be it, mainly because when I write I dont like being that depressing. Hope you like it