Question

COuld you review some of this book for me and tell me your honest opinion. I wrote it and I feel there is something wrong with it. Please be honest and give tips!! Thank you so much for this huge favor!!!❤

Here it is.....(sorry about the typos.)

“Benjamin,hop in the pool. It’s too hot to be just sitting here. I made some fresh lemonade.” says Jazylin, our maid.
I hate days like this. You know those days where there is nothing to do. It’s too hot and boring.

“Attack!” yells Belle, my 4 year old sister.

“Whoa,there Captain Belle! Hold your fire.” say Jazylin.

“Only if he surrenders.”

“Surrender from what?”I ask

“Breathing my air”

“Wow,are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, I’ll let you blow out one of my birthday candles instead.”

“Deal. Bye measly peasant.” She says as she floats in the pool on her flamingo floatie.

“Jazzy,what element do you think I will get?”
I can’t help wondering. This is the 14th time I’ve asked. My family comes from a long line of masters--people with a power to control one element. My mum is an earthmaster. My father is an airmaster. My parents hate firemasters and plasma masters. A firemaster once killed my grandpa. However, the elements aren’t decided by genes. They are decided by your personality. Earth is stubborn, Water is calm and passionate, Air is free and fun, Fire is wild. I know, what about plasma? Well, I'm not going to get plasma. Plasma is the only one affected by genes, and always is different. You can only get plasma if you have two parents that are fire and water;have two parents that are plasma; or are a twin and your original elements are fire and water. Very complicated. I won't get too far into that.

“Benjamin, don’t worry about it.”

“But,you know! Please tell me, Jazzy! YOu know me better than my parents.”

“I do have a guess but you will see, so don't worry about it.”

“Ok, Jazzy.” I say with a sigh

Answer 1

I think its pretty good.

Step-by-step explanation:

Answer 2

Answer and Explanation:

Here is my take on this portion of the book:

- The birthday part - I'm a bit confused why this comes up, when the scene is by the pool on a hot day. Maybe the sister has always wanted to blow out his candles (or maybe always does), and so (being the child she is) she makes a deal to blow out his candle on his b-day (whenever that day comes) in exchange for breathing air.

- The conversation with the little sister is good, showing the mental age the sister is and ( i think) the maturity of the older brother.

- The transition into the long explanation paragraph is it a bit rough, so maybe add another interaction/sentence before jumping into the elements. Also, the paragraph seems a bit much. Some parts seem chopped up and divided, like the parents hating fire masters and plasma masters. You could combine this sentence w/ the reasoning for them hating those masters.

If the story is having the narrator talk to the audience (or to a diary, recalling their accounts of the day with the mix of in present talking), you can say, "I can't stop thinking about this question. This is the 14th time I've asked today. You see, my family comes from a long line of elemental masters.... (Talks about the elements, but make sure to combine some of the sentences so it doesn't feel choppy. It only felt slightly choppy when I read it).

- Overall, some improvements need to be made but I would definitely read this when it is finished, sounds intriguing with a plot waiting for you to dive in and experience it with the character.

#teamtrees #PAW (Plant And Water)

I hope this helps!