Final answer:
The narrator seeks a deliberate and authentic life, choosing existential exploration over cultural conformity to discover personal truths and the essence of living.
Step-by-step explanation:
The narrator's reluctance to search for the rules by which to live can be attributed to a desire for authenticity and a profound need to confront life on one's own terms. Through the text, we see a tension between the societal expectations and the individual's quest for a life imbued with personal meaning and understanding.
The narrator does not want to adhere to the prefabricated set of rules that culture provides because it may lead to living life unexamined or based on someone else's belief systems. Instead, there's a longing for deliberate living—to experience life in its purest form, to learn from it, and to discern its true nature, whether it be mean or sublime.
This reflects an existential challenge, where facing life directly, in all its chaos and uncertainty, is preferred over the comfort of relying on culturally provided answers or living life according to established norms that may not align with personal truths or genuine experiences.