Final answer:
A satirical and ironic solution to the opioid crisis is the establishment of the Department of Opioid Distribution, which would sarcastically ensure the proper and ubiquitous distribution of opioids through an official government agency, under the management of former pharmaceutical executives, and introduce a public campaign to normalize the consumption of opioids as a panacea for everyday American life.
Step-by-step explanation:
In an attempt to address the opioid crisis with a satirical solution imbued with verbal irony, one might propose the creation of a new government agency: the Department of Opioid Distribution (DOD). This agency's sole task would be to carefully manage the use of opioids by limiting them strictly to government-approved parties. The territory trod by gallows humor, the solution suggests that instead of leaving opioids in the hands of doctors and the pharmaceutical industry, from which the crisis spiraled, the government itself would take control. Naturally, the agency would be staffed by former pharmaceutical executives, ensuring the foxes guard the henhouse with utmost expertise.
Of course, the DOD would also roll out a public campaign about the wonders of opioids, cleverly titled "Opioids: Take the Edge Off America." Just imagine nationwide commercials showing people from all walks of life, beaming with joy as they casually consume opioids to deal with the stressors of daily life—taxes, traffic, and politics, for instance. This campaign would, in a stroke of sheer brilliance, ensure that opioids are perceived not as a lurid scourge but rather as a panacea for the American Dream.
As a grand finale, the DOD will introduce the 'Every Pill Counts' initiative, which would conveniently place opioid dispensers next to soda and snack machines across the nation, because convenience is the true keystone of American innovation. That way, relief from pain—physical or existential—is never more than a few steps and a couple of quarters away. Just what the Founding Fathers would have wanted for their progeny.