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5 votes
Original Paragraph

Safety is the number one priority
Without any exceptions, one shall never be too cautious. According to the quote "always be safe than sorry" by Samuel Lover, he seems to agree. This quote means to be careful now so problems won't worsen later. By any chance, if a flashing light goes off in the dashboard (it's located in front of the passenger and driver.) take the chance to take a look at what is going on and don't ignore the problem. By all means, one should always be careful. As reported in the article called "Fatality Estimates" it states that "In 2019, an estimated 38,800 people lost their lives to car crashes". Things that can cause these deaths are driving over the speed limit, a car malfunction (break down or not functioning correctly), being distracted, and bad weather. Of course, preventing these accidents can be easy. To stop these things from happening stop speeding, staying off any electronics, and checking the weather before driving. Unfortunately, malfunction can't be fixed while driving, yet taking cars to get a check-up may fix the problem beforehand. In closing, be mindful when warnings are bestowed upon oneself. (e.g. smoke under the roof of a car).
Revised paragraph
Safety is the number one priority
Without any exceptions, one shall never be too cautious. According to the quote "always be safe than sorry" by Samuel Lover, he seems to agree. This quote means to be careful now so problems won't worsen later. By any chance, if a flashing light goes off in the dashboard take to chance to take a look at what is going on and don't ignore the problem. As reported, an article states "In 2019, an estimated 38,800 people lost their lives to car crashes". Things that can cause these deaths are driving over the speed limit, a car malfunction (break down or not functioning correctly), being distracted, and bad weather. Of course, preventing these accidents can be easy. To stop these things from happening, stop speeding, take the car to get a check-up, stay off any electronics, and check the weather before driving. Finally, be alert when warnings are issued about yourself. (e.g. smoke under the roof of a car).
What I revise in all
Original sentence
Under any circumstances, if a flashing light goes off in the dashboard (it's located in front of the passenger and driver.) take the chance to take a look at what is going on and don't ignore the problem.
Revised paragraph
By any chance, if a flashing light goes off in the dashboard take the chance to take a look at what is going on and don't ignore the problem.
Original sentence
Unfortunately, malfunction can't be fixed while driving, yet taking cars to get a check-up may fix the problem beforehand.
Revised paragraph
Delete this whole sentence and add it to the other sentence. To stop these things from happening stop speeding, take the car to get a check-up, stay off any electronics, and check the weather before driving.
Original sentence
In closing, be mindful when warnings are bestowed upon oneself.
Revised paragraph
In closing, one should become mindful when a warning occurs.
What I had checked for from the original paragraph was the word "by" (a clue to passive voice in writing is the word "by."). The blue sentence and the purple had this word so I reworded them. For example, Under any circumstances, I took away this whole sentence and added By any chance. The words look different, but they still have the same meaning. What I had also looked for was the word "to be" with past tense verbs. The green and orange paragraph showed signs of the "to be" with the past tense verbs. What I had revised from the green paragraph was malfunction can't be fixed. I had deleted the whole sentence and added it to the sentence above. (This was the sentence before it was deleted) Unfortunately, "malfunction can't be fixed while driving", yet taking cars to get a check-up may fix the problem beforehand. It now looks like this, "To stop these things from happening, stop speeding, take cars to get a check-up, stay off any electronics, and check the weather before driving." In conclusion, These were my examples of why and how I revised my paragraph.

1 Answer

5 votes

Final answer:

The original paragraph needed revisions for clarity and accuracy. Passive voice was removed and sentences were rephrased to improve clarity and conciseness.

Step-by-step explanation:

In the original paragraph, there are some sentences that can be revised for clarity and accuracy. For example, the sentence 'Under any circumstances, if a flashing light goes off in the dashboard take the chance to take a look at what is going on and don't ignore the problem' can be revised to 'By any chance, if a flashing light goes off in the dashboard take the chance to take a look at what is going on and don't ignore the problem.' Additionally, the sentence 'Unfortunately, malfunction can't be fixed while driving, yet taking cars to get a check-up may fix the problem beforehand' can be deleted and added to the previous sentence to make it 'To stop these things from happening, stop speeding, take the car to get a check-up, stay off any electronics, and check the weather before driving.'

Overall, the key revisions focus on removing passive voice and rephrasing sentences for clarity and conciseness.

User VLS
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