Question

Please read the little saying on the bottom and give your thoughts on it, Worth 100 points!

I just want to hear your thoughts on what I wrote and how you think I can improve.

~They all walk with their heads held high, acting like they don’t have a care in the world, but if you slow down and watch them you can see all their fears, and insecurities. If you talk to them even for just a second you can tell just how hard they have it by asking the right questions. Which is what she did, she watched and was patient. She watched and listened as she related to them all. They all looked untouchable but the truth is they are far from it. They all have just as many insecurities as she did, if not more. They hide behind their smiles, nice clothes, their pictures they took to seem happy. But in reality they are trying to fit in, to be just as normal as everyone else. But to be honest what is normal? What is it to fit in? To be like everyone else? Is that something we all want? To be exactly like everyone else, then your feelings and what makes you, you are gone. You’re not you anymore, you're them.~
~MJA

Answer 1

Answer: what you've written is fantastic!

-maybe to improve switch around some basic words (for example listened and watched) and use a dictionary to find a synonym for that particular word

overall it's great! keep it up :)

Answer 2

Answer: I Actually really like this:

Explanation: You could improve by adding Ambitious Vocabulary. For example replacing simple words like "Nice" and "Happy" can actually get you a lot of extra marks. The ending was good with the rhetorical questions. Also, Your sentence starters need improvement. Words such as "She" and "They" and "But" are too simple. Maybe try adding Sentence starters like "Swiftly" or "Slowly"
I actually do like this piece of writing though.