56.6k views
1 vote
Feedback needed...

The story of Claire Matthews.
Chapter 1: My Life
As I woke up an a cool autum day, I decided that I wanted to re-arrange my room. Its a pretty small room. It has a bed, a dresser, and a closet. As I get out of bed and pull my clothes on, I look out the window. Same old field. I never had many friends so I always stayed hidden in my room. I go down stairs and make breakfast. I look at the time. Its 8:30. I yell. "Im going to be late!" I scarf my food down, and run to the door. "Just put on a smile so no one will see...see how you really feel." I whisper to myself. The bus it already arriving. I hurry on the bus, and find a seat in the very back. I see someone new getting on the bus. He sits next to me. He looks at me and smiles. I smile and quickly look away. "Hey im Jonas, I just moved here and I was hoping I could make some friends here?" he asks nervously. "Well..." I start, but I stop and just nod at him. "Oh! Your shy!" he says. "Hope I didnt scare you." I look away. Suddenly the bus comes to a stop. "Well this is my stop." He laughs nervously. "Same." I say hesitantly. Oh No! Same bus, now the same school?? As I make my way to the door, I see Jonas trailing behind me. "Stop following me!" I snap. He just stares in confusion. "Oh...I.uh...sorry." I say embarrased. I grab my books and hurry to class. After class I started feeling dizzy, and dont remember much after that.
Chapter 2: Things Are Changing.
When class is over, I hear yelling. "Claire! Claire!?" The voice called. It was Jonas and Mrs. stewart. (my teacher.) I wake up dizzy. "W-what am I doing here?" I ask dazed. Jonas pulls me up. "She lives next to me. I can take her home." He offers. I pass out and hit my head hard on the floor. The next thing I remember was Jonas and my classmates gathered around my in my hospital room. "Shhhhh! She is waking up!" One girl says. I notice Jonas sitting on the side of my bed. "Hey Claire." He whispers. The nurse comes in with a tray full of food. It smells amazing, and im starving, so I eat. "Thanks." I say. Everyone but Jonas leaves. "Listen theres something I have to tell you." he says. I stare. Scared that he has bad news. "Claire?" he asks shyly. "Yes?" I answer. "Im your cousin." He says.
Chapter 3 Wait, what?
I stare in disbelief. "No your not." I say angrily. "Yes I am. Im Jonas Mathews." he says. He shows me his birth certificate. I gasp. "Cuzzy?!" I say, shocked. "I missed you! Where were you? I needed you and I hoped and prayed you would come, and look!" I say. Tears swell up in our eyes. "Look I moved out so I could come see you." he asays. He is hiding something. I can see it in his eyes. I stare. "Ok. Mom and grandma kicked me out." he said sadly. I stare. "Where is your dad...?" I ask almots crying. He just stares. I can here girls crying on the outside of the door so we end the convo there. I lean up and hug Jonas. The girls come in. "That is so sad!" one cries. "I didnt know you had a cousin, let alone feelings." says one guy in my class. Jonas looks up and stares at him. "Its ok cuzzy, he is just teasing." I say laughing. "Sorry just trying to protect lil sis-cousin." he winks. "Little by a month." I roll my eyes. (How can I improve?)

1 Answer

5 votes
I love it. I didn't see anything wrong
User Artem Golenyaev
by
7.1k points