Question

FEEDBACK NEEDED So Grim. The story of the grim reaper's daughter. Written by: Katara Werme Chapter One: Primping Up. "But father! I'm almost 16! Why do I have to spend my life in the shade," said Twilite, on a warm sunny day in April. "Why can't I live my life like a normal teenager?" she begs. "My dearest Twilite, I'm not as cruel as you think. I'm trying to protect you." he consoles. "I do'nt need protected! In exactly 8 hours, (May's first twilite) I will be 16 years old." she says. "Yes, but you don't understand. The sun could hurt you! The kids your age could kill you!" he says. "Father! I'm half demon! You went out to the real world and met mom!" she begs. "You see where that got her? She is an angel, in heaven!" he says, almost crying. "Exactly! She is an angel! She made a deal that when she married you, she had to leave her mortal life back on earth!" she says, crying. "I miss my mother! And I'm not immortal like you and mom! Since I was born while she was human, I can't live forever! I don't care about immortality. I just want to find love." she says, tears covering her cheeks. "Okay, prepare for your birthday. Remember, mom has a special gift for you. So, you must look your best." he sighs. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" she squeals. she summons her best friend, Juliette. She is a Fallen Angel. She used to be the purest of the pure, but her brother turned her somewhat evil. "Hey Jules!" she says. "Hey. I'm going shopping to go find something to wear for my birthday." she says. "Okay? Why is this important enough to wake me up?" she asks. "Do you want to come?" she asks. "Sure. I haven't gotten you anything for your birthday yet." she says. "Oh...well. Um...Okay." she stutters. "Let's go!" she says. The two girls head to the darkest mall. When they get there, they go to Twilite's favorite store, "Heartable" "Ooh! Let's go in here, Jules!" she says. "Excuse me, do you have anything appropriate for a 16th birthday? My birthday is May's first twilight." says Twilite. "Yes, one second. Would you like something dark and edgy, or something bright with a little bit of edgyness?" the woman asks. "Let's go with the bright one. My mother is going to be there. I haven't seen her since I was a baby." she says. "Good for you." says the woman. "Follow me." she says. She takes Twilite by the arm, and takes her to the dress chamber. She pulls out a large, poufy ball gown. "Um...I'm not so sure I want a ball gown. Maybe poof but not alot of poof." she says. The woman puts it back. She digs for another dress. Twilite looks around. Then, she sees it. "That one. I want that one." she says. "I don't know...that one is a little expensive." the woman says. "I'll take it." says Twilte, mesmorized. The woman takess it off the hanger, and helps Twilite in it. It's a long, black lace scene queen dress. She puts on matching lace, fingerless gloves. When twilite looks in the mirror, she almost faints. "I love it! How much?" she asks. "Well, since its your birthday, 22 blood drops." says the woman. "Put it on my card." says Twilite. She checks out, and goes to the jewlery store. "Jules, what are you doing over here?" she asks. "Oh! Nothing." she says, hiding a large black diamond behind her back. "Hmmm...okay. Meet me at the car when you are done. I have to get home and get ready." she says. "Okay, Twilee." says Jules. "Hmm...something is up with Juliette. Why is she being wierd?" she thinks.

Answer 1

Alright, so there is a spelling error when Twilite says: "I do'nt need protection." It was probably just a typing error. :-) Also, usually Twilight is spelled like "Twilight" and not "Twilite", but if you want to make it look interesting and different, that's okay too.
Who is may? It states, "(May's first twilite)". If you are talking about it being Twilight's first May, then that's a different story, but how that is stated makes me think there is a whole new character I'm not aware of.
Never start a new sentence with the word "and" - " 'I miss my mother! And I'm not immortal like you and mom!". I would change the sentence to: "I'm not immortal like you and mom; I miss her!" When Twilight is talking about her not being immortal it makes the readers believe that she DOES care about it, but then it turns around when she says that she DOESN'T care. I would suggest rewriting that to clarify in advance. Maybe saying something like, "Although I don't care about not being immortal, I can't live forever and I would like to find love before I die."
Any time a quote has punctuation at the end of it's sentence, you need to make the following word's first letter upper case. For example, "Thank you!' she squeals" The S in she should be capitalized. I would also rephrase the sentences "she squeals. she summons her best friend, Juliette. She is a fallen angel" Maybe you could change it to, " She squeals with delight and then summons her best friend, Juliette, who is a fallen angel"
After every quote, you usually put "she says/asks" so I would suggest using different words or statements; it can get every confusing when trying to understand who is talking and is very repetitive.
"A lot" is two words, "Maybe poof but not alot of poof.' " These sentences don't have to be separate, "The woman puts it back. She digs for another dress. Twilite looks around." You could change them to, "While the woman puts the dress back, she begins to search for another dress while Twilight looks around the store". As the same with these sentences, "Then, she sees it. 'That one. I want that one." You can combine "That one. I want that one" to "That one, I want that one!" Also, there is no need for a comma after the "That" but move it to after the "it" and before the quote.
When saying "in it" it makes the readers think the lady is helping Twilight get into the dressing room, I would suggest changing the wording there to make it easier to understand. I would put a "while" instead of a comma at, "she says, hiding a large black". It would help the sentence flow more smoothly. You could change "you are done" to "when you're done".

Overall, I think you did a very good job on this! There were only little fixes here and there. Great job! :-)