Question

In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.

Learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach offers more than a place to develop strong swimming skills. There are many things to do at the beach. It is unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors. More people should take time to visit their local beaches. I am glad I learned to swim at the beach.


Can someone help me please :)

Answer 1

The flow of thought in how the writer conveyed the story or information is not fluid. It was not arrange making it look more of a mixture of thoughts not sure whether the subject is about the memory or the beach. Another is that the information was being redundant say for example the first and last sentence where the writer mentioned happiness first and then glad again on the latter part.

Rewriting the paragraph capturing every information the writer had wished to convey in simple terms would go something like this.

I remember my happiest childhood memory was at the beach where i learned how to swim. Local beaches does not only offer a nice place to swim but many other activities. Scuba-diving, surfing, beach volleyball and the like. As such i wish for people to experience the same thrill and spend more time there than at home.