Question

Can I have some advice for the short story I'm writing part 2

“That’s pretty, would you like to hang out? I don't mind much at all”



My smile grew from ear to ear happily. I nodded, dropping the book I happened to have in my hands excitedly and signed back at her that I would love to if she doesn't mind. Kamari smiled brightly and took her phone out and showed me her number. Shocked, I just looked at her then back at the phone. Hands shaking heat rising my heart beating louder then the drums in a rock band i took my phone out adding her to my contacts

For hours we talked, getting to know each other. I grew close to her talking to her day to day texting and meeting up at the library. It seemed just too unreal. Could this be what it's like to fall in love? I would wonder every time we went our separate ways.

I felt the need to tell her how I felt. Never feeling this way before, I was somewhat excited yet nervous. Brushing my fingers gently past each person in my phone I got to Kamaris finally and typed ‘meet me at the coffee shop next to the bookstore later at 2 please’ hesitantly sending it. I threw my phone across the room and dropped on the ground once again my heart raced. I could barely stay still. Pacing around i waited to see a slight vibration on my phone to indicate i got a text back

Hours past and i didnt get a text back i sighed thinking maybe she is just gonna go there and not text back. Quickly I grabbed my phone and the coat I needed for winter and dashed out the door. Pushing back the other people in my way I felt the air brush on my cheek and a chill down my spine. Nevertheless I would not let that hold me back. Faster and faster ran soon sliding a bit and tripping as soon as I got to the coffee shop.

i got up and looked around i pacied around paranoid 'were is she?' i thought to myself sighing i walked over to a free table and sat down still waiting for kamari i checked our texts and nothing no responce i could feel a slight knot in my throat and tears fill my eyes

i was just to silly to believe that she would ever love me dropping my head on the table i slowly drifted into a depressed like stage tears dripping down my cheeks i couldnt take it were was she? why was i this dense? it was just a trap all along i knew it! love is just for the weak hearted! biting my lip i sobbed more and more starting to have to gasp for air filled with anger and sadness not knowing what to do i gave up about to leave

¨hey cat sorry im late¨ i heard that familiar voice from behind that beautiful angelic voice i heard it again thank the gods i quickly turned around with a sniffle and wiped my eyes and nose no longer crying a bright innocent smile grew on my face as i waved ¨uh cat, i have something to tell you-¨
i tilt my head confused and somewhat anxious that angelic voice seemed a bit shaky and scared or nervous i felt a bit of worry from myself i signed back to her ¨ whats up kamiri? is something wrong?¨

Answer 1

Answer: it's good! maybe you could change the "Hands shaking heat rising my heart beating louder then the drums in a rock band i took my phone out adding her to my contacts" to " Hands shaking, heat rising, and my heart beating louder than the drums in a rock ban, I retrieved my phone phone from my pocket and added her contact.

Step-by-step explanation:

just needed some clarification there. there are a few more gramatical errors/ places that need commas for clarification, but I don't have time rn. overall though, I think the concept of your short story is brilliant :)

Answer 2

It has a nice tone to it and a good story line keep up the writing

Step-by-step explanation: