I guess I’ve always known that my death would be definitive but when asked if I’ve lived in full I’d probably respond with “absolutely not.”
Perhaps if I had been honest with the people around me my answer would have changed. But if a life like mine could be ruined with the truth would my different choice really help me at all?
Then again maybe it’d all be ok if I had become more driven towards my goals, yet still that change seems too geared towards a specific aspect of my life rather than the whole. Would mine or any human life for that matter really benefit from putting their goals before every other moment in our lives? For me, while I’d like to say that I’d put my goals first, I don’t know if I’d still be here if I had.
Finally, if I was to be truly living my dream then maybe all that needed to happen was for me to put myself first. To embrace myself and find joy in the little things. This romanticized idea seems beautiful I guess, however I think it’s also important to realize that life is much more complicated that that. Which begs the question if any change would ever really make me the person I want to be.
As humans it is normal for us to contemplate the other side and wonder “what if.” Yet if we always work towards the person we want to be, and not the person we are, then a paradox of endless possibilities will undoubtedly occur. But maybe that’s just another condition of being human, as a person with nothing to work for, cannot truly be said to be living.
So, in that respect even as I have listed things I would change, I don’t know what a reality with those changes would have been like. Thus I am content in my discontent.