Question

Please check and edit for me! It's not super long ;)

It was one long hour.


She exhaled, eyeing the brown clock vigilantly. One more hour of total boredom and suffering. Her afterschool activity had been repealed last minute, so she had to wait to be picked up instead. She sat on a dirty peeling maroon bench in the schoolyard. Her back to the worn soccer pitch, she started to doodle on her orange and blue notebook. Might as well find some way to pass the time.




As you write and revise, ask yourself these questions:


1. Do all of the sentences in this paragraph belong here? (unity)

2. Are all of the sentences in this paragraph in the right place? (coherence--method of development)

3. Are all of the sentences in this paragraph smoothly connected together into a whole paragraph? (coherence--use of transitional devices)


Once you've made certain that your paragraphs are both unified and coherent, edit your work for problems in grammar and mechanics before submitting it to your teacher.

Answer 1

edited:

She exhaled deeply, eyeing the brown clock vigilantly. One more hour of utter boredom and suffering. Her afterschool activity had been canceled last minute, meaning she had to wait to be picked up with nothing to do till it would have ended. She sat on a dirty and peeling maroon bench in the schoolyard, her back to the worn soccer pitch. Figuring she might as well find some way to pass the time before finally going home, she began to doodle in her orange and blue notebook.

Explanation:

1. yes, they work together to set the scene by providing details to where she is and why. the sentences describe her emotions without making the paragraph boring.

2. for the most part, the reasoning for her being there afterschool could have been mentioned first but the way it is currently written makes sense regardless.

3. the writer could have included transitions to better connect the sentences. but overall, it is well written.