Question

When I get out of high school, I'm gonna do all kinds of cool things. I'll probably go to college and study something real cool for a few years. I'll probably live in a dorm or a frat house or something like that. Then I'll graduate with an awesome degree and get a terrific job.

I don't know what my job will be yet. It will be something where I don't have to do too much work. It will have to get me a lot of money, though, cause I like to buy lots of stuff. You know what I mean, right? Cell phones, laptops, clothes, fancy cars, that kinda stuff.

I guess I'll probably get married. I don't know who the lucky girl will be, though. I'll probably pick up some really cool girl in college and have about ten kids.

Then we'll buy a huge house somewhere. I think they call them Mack Mansions or something like that. I wanna have one of those garages that fit like twenty cars. I gotta have lots a cars to keep me happy.

So that's my future. How's it sound to you?
Question:

Read the essay "My Goals After High School." The essay is seriously flawed. It employs imprecise language and an inappropriately casual tone. Moreover, it lacks sentence variety and stylistic devices.

Rewrite the essay to eliminate these flaws.

Answer 1

When I finish my studies in high school and graduate, I plan to do a variety of activities. I will most likely attend college and enter a course in which the content is interesting. I am hoping that I will reside in a dorm or join a fraternity. Then, I will hopefully graduate with a diploma and start a successful job.
I have no idea on what career I want to establish. It will most likely be a sit down job that pays an adequate amount of money as I enjoy purchasing things. Such include cell phones, laptops and expensive cars.
I do plan to get married, although I do not know the girl that I will get married to. I am thinking of picking a cool, pretty girl up at college and having many kids.
After that, we will purchase a mansion, specifically a Mack Mansion where twenty cars can be held in the garage. In order to keep me happy, I have to have a good amount of cars.
Hope this helps :)