Question

Please proofread what I have (It's not finished but I want to know)

Don't answer if you can't find at least three wrong things or things to change


Week 4 of being trapped in Hades
___________________________
I was wandering around outside the palace one day-night-I don’t know what time it was outside at the time- when I saw a beautiful lake. It was surrounded by glowing crystals and sparkling ores; the bank was covered in the softest of moss and had an old-looking dock sitting awkwardly crooked, half-way in the water. I walked along the soft bank towards the dock. When I got to the dock I noticed a huge gondola tied to it, and a tall cloaked figure fiddling with the ropes. I climbed up the dock to get a better look at the mysterious entity, and when I leaned on the rail it made a loud creak that nearly made the being jump off the dock. “Who goes there?” said the man. I tried to duck behind the stairs but he saw me. “My, what a sight! My, my, what an interesting sight! You here, in my presence?” He said melodically. “Ms Proserpina…”
I had never met someone from Hades before so his accent and character were quite unfamiliar. I asked “How do you know my name? We have never before met. '' “O? All know of your coming to Hades,” he responded. “King Pluto has told all the people of the underworld that you will be staying here from now on.” “From now on?” I exclaimed. “If he thinks I am staying in this dreadful place he is surely mistaken,” I replied. “He abducted me and is trying to force me to stay with him in his palace forever, but I will never speak to Pluto, I will never smile in his presence, and I will never eat again!" "Now that can't be fun! You won't be able to see the wonders of the underworld stowed away in a palace!" He said. "Come, come with me and I will show you all the wonders of Hades." I couldn't say I wasn't interested in knowing more about Hades, and I didn't have anything else to do, so I reluctantly agreed to join him. He led me to his gondola and quickly untied the ropes so we could set off. I sat down on the cushy gondola seat as he hopped gracefully up to the fórcola. He bent over to pick up the ores when I noticed there were three of them. I wondered why he would have Three ores until his arms left the cloak to grab the ores. He had six arms! "I never asked your name," I said. "You can call me Charon m'lady."

Answer 1

In the first sentence, “ I don’t know what time it was outside at the time” is very awkward. (Time is said more than once and you need to remove it) (outside is also said more than once) I would suggest changing the first sentence completely. Maybe to “ As I wandered around outside the palace, I lost track of the time. A beautiful lake had caught my eye.”
Sentence two contains passive voice which is generally looked down upon in writing.
Sentence two also is almost a run-on sentence. (Some teachers might count it, others might not) I would still suggest changing it.
Your use of transitional phrases is pretty low, which makes the whole piece choppy. (/a strong use of “and”)
I suggest going through the entire thing and using stronger words, just to advance the writing. (Example: instead of using “loud” use “clamorous”) (it seems pretentious but trust me the person grading won't think so)
It's a good start, however, I would suggest going through and really being a huge stickler on some of the sentences. If it's possible, maybe try having multiple people read it over. Different people see different things.
Hope this helped!

Answer 2

Firstly, i think it will be better to say Wandering outside, instead of wandering around outside.

Secondly, "we've never met before" is a better term than we've never before met.

Thirdly, Expressions aren't included e.g If he thinks I am staying in this dreadful place he is surely mistaken,” turning my face away with hands akimbo I replied in a sulky voice “He abducted me and ...

Hope this helps